Last September huge things changed for me. I left school, started college, met new people and faced serious changes in my mental health.
Reflecting back on school, I never hated school in fact I think I was one of the few who actually didn't mind it that much. My whole school experience I worked hard and kept my head down and was overall a good student. Towards the end of Year 11 however, I felt ready to leave. It was almost like I had “outgrown” both the environment and the people and I know that sounds slightly strange and ridiculous but I really didn’t enjoy it anymore and I think I just was ready to move on and grow-up , something I think school does prevent you from doing at times. Over the summer I was a nervous wreck, I had constant anxiety about starting college and I found myself having frequent panic attacks over it. Mentally I was in a bad place.
Starting college however, was very different than what I had expected. I suddenly had a new found confidence that I normally wouldn’t of had, I made new friends and even met my (Ex) boyfriend who is now one of my best friends. Over the year I established myself as one of the high achievers within the group and by the end of the year it was apparent to me I was going to get the grade I wanted. Now that’s not me being arrogant because I did work my butt off and I’m glad I did because getting the grade was so worth all the late nights, long essays and constant annotations. But the year did also come with more lows not only the break up, but being diagnosed with a disability, struggling with my health and problems at home always managed to creep up on me.
Now with just a week until I start back at college I have to look at where I am now. Am I feeling better mentally? for that I’d say I’m still recovering and re-building but knowing that I am doing it now makes me feel so much better. Disability? Knowing that college are aware defiantly has helped me because It means that when I’m having a bit of a meltdown or need 5 minutes I can go and have them without being questioned and coming to terms with it has been again a lot easier because other people now understand it. Home? Home is always going to be a constant nightmare for any teenager, but things are improving and it’s much easier.
I suppose what I really want to put across is that taking time to reflect is something that the more you do the more you can laugh and learn and grow from. Starting back I still have some of the same anxieties and worries and if I’m honest it’s also a mixed emotion. But I also know that this isn’t going to last forever and I have to now start to decide what is next for me and where this will take me in the future.
I know this title could be a lot of different things to different people. Today i want to talk about what it means to me and why i feel like sharing it on my blog.
For this particular post i'm referring to when is it the right time to let go of someone, whether that's to break away and not be as close anymore or to have a completely fresh start if that's
either a friend or a relationship. As we get older, we meet a lot of new people, we make new friends and form new relationships and yes we may still have our old friends or partners but what happens when that becomes too much? When it becomes a negative thing.
For me I've never been close to people because i know how quickly friends can leave and how sometimes relationships won't last. That's okay, it's a fact of life. So when it comes to letting people go i've found it both easy but also one of the hardest things to do in my life.
One particular situation that happened recently was with my best friend. One thing i should note is I've been close to her for around 7 years and throughout this time i have been a lot of her support, she's relied on me a lot. Anyway, as much as i have tremendous love for her she often was in a very negative head-space. So negative that it began to affect me, i found that after we'd hang out i'd be exhausted and emotionally i was done for the rest of the day. We stopped doing the fun things we'd typically do and instead we sat around and would talk - now don't get me wrong i love having a good old catch up - but eventually it became the same conversation, about the same things and i found i was repeating myself a lot when i didn't need to. I also found that it was harder for me to be motivated to want to see her and when i didn't i wasn't that bothered and when she'd message i'd limit the conversation to the minimal.
Now i know that may seem harsh but you have to remember that i'm her friend and to have all my own worries and then take all that on top of me, it wasn't fair. I remember one day coming home after meeting my friend and sitting talking to my family. I found that as i spoke i got angry, i was frustrated and i found that it was all too much. It was like i was finally letting it all get to me and i couldn't deal with it. After speaking to my family i knew i needed to start letting go, i knew i could no longer be the support that she needed from professionals and it didn't bother me that much. I also knew that if this continued we'd ruin our friendship.
The hardest part was speaking to her about it, i decided the kindest and fairest thing for me to do was be very honest and very direct with her. Although she found it difficult i explained that as a friend there was only so much i could do and some of the things that were going on were out of my control and i couldn't help.
Since this point there have still been times when her worries have been passed onto me but i've been very adamant and stayed away from anything that could potentially begin to affect me again. It is difficult to push away from someone and to sometimes let go and not be as close to someone as you were. But you have to think of the benefits of doing this and how it will help each of you. If you let yourself become down and a negative person because of someone else then it isn't just their fault, it's also yours. People do change and that's just how things are. Letting go is hard but holding on to something that no longer works is even harder.
I'll be honest i'm not the best at make-up but i enjoy the experimental side to it and because at the end of the day you can wipe it off and try again. Finding good make-up products or a reliable brand i find is important because they're are so many different types of things each company has to offer. Because i don't tend to wear make-up regularly i find that i'm often reaching for the same products and buying new products is only something i do if i no longer enjoy using a certain brand.
I don't often wear foundation as i find that because my skin type it looks "Cakey" and doesn't have long last power or particularly good coverage for my skin. However, i do love using Concealers this one is perfect to hide my spots, blemishes or imperfections but also have a brightness about it and i find works instead of having a heavy foundation.
This is for sure one of my most reached for products within my collection! I love this mascara as it is long lasting and creates a dramatic look it also looks nice with a nude eye and limited make up. The downside to this product is that it isn't waterproof however their is a waterproof version available.
I have always loved the cat eye trend but getting it right, takes a lot of time, patience and practice. For me find an eyeliner you can work with i think can also make it easier or harder. Personally i love this eyeliner as the wand is thin and it is easy to make a clear line. I also like that it is easy to erase if i make a mistake because of how fast it dries. My only negative with this eyeliner is it isn't that long lasting.
I'm not a lipstick or lip gloss kind of person as i feel like i don't have the right mouth shape to pull of wearing these style of products. However, picking up one of Tanya's products was mainly down to the reviews i had read and the Shades she offers. I like this product but am not madly in love with it, the reason it's in my top 5 however, is that i do often reach for it if i want something to finish off my look or if i want to try something different out. I think the shade can be used with most looks and overall creates a spring/summer vibe.
This is one of my most reached for products because how pretty the colours are. This palette is definitely more for the Autumn time because the reds, golds and browns. However, I've been able to use the gold for more of my summer looks and it looks so pretty for a simplistic make up look. This was also a cheap palette and considering the price it's one of my most raved and talked about products that i use.
Being happy is something that often we don't realize we are until we're not. Happiness to me is something you can't always be because sometimes you're not meant to be. And that's okay because you're emotions although, may seem permanent aren't and we, as people are constantly changing and growing.
Below i have compiled a list of things that make me happy or things that i do that bring me some sort of happiness big or small. This list is in no order either it's just written as they come to me or as i go along.
Now i know some of that may seem a little strange or odd to some people but to me those things i find do make me happy in one way or another. Some such as changing my appearance, may just be trying a new hair style or experimenting with my make-up. Not necessarily a major change but something that i notice and know is different about me. Or something like messing around on Photoshop and experimenting with the different tools on the software. These are just two of the things that make me feel a lot happier and more positive overall.
I've always been the type of person who liked to write things down, i enjoyed writing at school creating my own stories and even writing essays although i didn't always find it easy, there's something satisfying about seeing your work on a page. I think there's always been this fantastical secrecy surrounding keeping a diary, you often see people who keep them in books or films and they are a way of escaping or shutting away how you really feel.
For me however, it's always been a much harder challenge. I found that i was writing basically the same things everyday, i didn't really feel like it was helping me and i didn't enjoy it either. It was a challenge to remind myself to write in it everyday and i never got the sense that every time i'd shut my notebook i was closing off what i had wrote about or that particular day was now a memory. It always felt so false. Every time after a few days i would give up and forget about it . And then the cycle would repeat.
More recently however, with so much that's changed in life and mental health. I've found that i just want somewhere that's mine. Somewhere i can just talk and ramble and not so much worry about what other people may think or judge. I decided to pick up a cheap notebook from my local pound store. Nothing fancy just a marvel print with spiral binding and an elasticated band to keep it shut. I didn't want to spend a lot of money on something that i was unsure i was going to use. But i also wanted a notebook that i liked the look of. I know that may not have a lot of relevance to what's actually inside the book but to me i think it helps.
After getting my notebook i immediately went home and started to write. I told myself don't hold back write exactly what you think, feel and more importantly what you need to, and i found that i wrote a lot. It wasn't the same as writing before, i actually wrote it and after closing my book felt like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. It's such an interesting feeling knowing that a notebook or a journal or a diary can hold so many of your thoughts, yet you may never want to read them again, no one is probably ever going to read what you have wrote. But it's so comforting knowing if you want to go back and re live what you wrote you can.
I've had my notebook for a few weeks know and i can say that i am most definitely still using it and always look forward to writing in it because i'm not restricting myself to writing in it everyday. This is something that has helped me the last few weeks and i've felt alot happier just getting it all off my chest then being able to move on.